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December Blues

It seems a very British thing to be surprised at how quickly the year has passed, I remember feeling good at the start of the year, I had my resolution to finally lose the weight and work towards a better life. Now here we are 12 months later and no I have not lost the weight, the opposite in fact I've ended up gaining (so pretty much worse off), but have I improved my life? Well that also I would have to say no to, in retrospect my life does not feel improved in the slightest, the difference between then and now is for the first time in my life I have managed to succeed and get a Christmas temp job and for once enjoy the feeling of money I've earned improve my bank balance. But to be more specific I don't think I've ever felt more stressed or depressed in my entire life.

As it is said, ti's the season to be jolly, and I am trying, I am really trying. For once I have a little bit of money and I am really happy to be able to Christmas shop for my most beloved family and friends.

The Wednesday of this week while at work a customer whom purchased a Davidoff Cool Water gift set for men I recommended wished me a Merry Christmas which felt lovely and when I think about it I cant remember the last time I herd someone say that to me. I don't even think I herd anyone say that to me last year.

I didn't have a thought or plan in mind to write this post, just an urge to write and hopefully write well. Up to now the one thing I have learnt about myself is, I don't know what I want for myself or what career I have hope for in the future. The only thing I know is that I want to write, I want to write that book, that story that means the world to me. I try all the time to write, but I seem to have a mental block and end up getting no where closer to starting the story forget finishing it in time for my 25th Birthday which is my ultimate goal for this one story. I still have time and that is the only thing that comforts me. Im not sure what is stopping me from writing, lack of inspiration or confidence maybe but its started to spread and even affect how I feel when I read, I cant seem to take in and absorb the meanings of words and I am left simply staring at paper blankly. Which is genuinely upsetting, I keep asking myself what is causing this why am I doing this to myself when I want to write, writing is the only passion I truly have that I feel capable of. Yet I am unable to write a single word let alone read a page of a book. I question am I depressed, is this a symptom of my depression? If it is, it is f*cking annoying and I wish it would go away already its wasting my time.

Up to now, I think I am quite liking the perks of December, I like the pretty decorations, seeing all the different efforts of people, not far from me I saw a home with Frozens Olaf in the window with the caption ' Do you want to build a snowman?', I am loving the new festive food options with turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce options. I am liking how empty the gym is getting just as I theorized because it is the season of indulgence, unfortunately I do not look forward to how busy I imagine it to be this time in January with everyone making the resolution to once again finally lose that weight.

Christmas songs are played everywhere, I feel more aware of them than usual at work or in the car listening to the radio, some can be fun, but it can scare me a little that there is no escaping them.

Does anyone else ever only truly feel that it is Christmas time when you finally see the Coca Cola advert on TV? Or is that just me? Seeing that was what truly hit home that it really is this time of the year.  However what takes the biscuit is the Sainsburys Christmas advert, now that really makes me emotional. Well done Sainsburys, good idea there reminding us that even during World War II people came together for Christmas Day. Its a thought in history that really breaks my heart, that people stop fighting for a day to enjoy Christmas but then simply went back to war the next day. I try very hard not to think about it and how much I just don't understand people. (and neither did my degree in Psychology help at all)

I have still yet to finish or have a clue about what to do for my Christmas shopping, I hope everyone else is so far enjoying the season and all its festive activities. I know it happens every year but it really does only happen once a year so lets try to make the most of it while it is here! :)

Merry Christmas.